Dating Across Cultures

I get this question a lot from friends back home and from people here in Peru, volunteers and Peruvians. What’s happening with my girlfriend and me? One of the first questions any Peruvian asks me is if I’m single. Many people in my site tell me they have a daughter I should meet. Old people have told me I should ‘leave my seed’ with their granddaughter because they want a grandbaby with blue eyes. I just met one of the teachers at the school here and one of her first questions was if I’m single. When I tell them I have a Peruvian girlfriend, they ask if I’m going to marry her and take her back the States. Plus, with all the pictures I’ve posted of her and me on here, you might be wondering also. It’s an honest question.

I’ve been dating Jenifer now for over a year. Just like any relationship we’ve had our ups and downs. With this relationship, there are many differences I’ve never experienced before. We have the language barrier – which is difficult but not overwhelming, especially as I improve in Spanish (she doesn’t speak English). We have the distance barrier – about 25 to 40 minutes of travel to see one another. We have different schedules. We grew up with different cultures in different societies and therefore have different expectations of each other and ourselves. We have different trajectories of where we see our lives going. We have the fact that I will be returning to the States in 5 months (5 months!).

We met in a discoteca. It was around 3am, the nights usually go until 5 or 6am. I saw her and she was wearing a skirt...so I immediately thought she must be from Lima (the capital of Peru, 8 hours away) because girls around here don’t wear skirts unless it’s the traditional clothing with wool pants/stockings underneath, but you never see that in a discoteca…no skin is ever showing. Wow, I thought...I haven’t seen nice legs in a skirt in awhile! I approached her and we started talking, turned out she is from Huaraz but with a lot of family on the coast (which explains the skirt) and I asked her to dance. As the night ended I got her phone number; I called a day later and asked her to dinner. Luckily I was in the city all week for Quechua classes (Quechua is the native language here). That’s how we began.

Something comical about our meeting was that before I approached her we made eye contact and I thought she smiled at me. Turns out that shortly before I entered the bar, she and her friends were talking about Peruvian guys and that she doesn’t like them because they are too jealous. I walked in and a minute or two later, her friends pointed out the gringos that entered, an answer to her not liking the jealousy factor of Peruvian guys and when she looked at me, I looked back over at her almost simultaneously and that’s what caused her to smile…and why I thought it safe to approach…even though she wasn’t actually smiling at me but smiling for getting caught looking at me.

Now, after a year, I still have not been to her house nor met any of her family (other than a cousin). In fact, one time I was in the post office and she walked by with her mom – we just waved at each other. In this culture, you don’t meet family until you’re engaged. There is a lot of PDA in Peru because lovers who are not married have no privacy to be alone, since everyone lives with their family until marriage. In order to be intimate, they’ll go to a hostel or in Tarica, out into the forest. Of course, parents being so strict, traditional, or just stupid doesn’t seem to prevent all the teenage pregnancies in Peru. It’s like those who won’t teach about contraceptives but only about abstinence…it doesn’t work! As Malcolm Gladwell proposes in The Tipping Point, “we should not be fighting experimentation but making sure experimentation does not have serious consequences.”

Dating someone for a year seems like a long time – and it is. In the States, we have a lot more opportunity to really get to know someone. Once you’re off to college or living on your own, if you want to spend the night with your girlfriend or boyfriend, you can. Here, even if you’re 25, that doesn’t really happen much. In the States, if you’ve been dating someone for awhile, it’s okay and probably a good idea to meet the parents/family and get to see your significant other in front of their family…and we all learn a lot about each other doing that! Here – none of that happens. Even though we've been dating for over a year, I feel like we're at the same place a 3 or 4 month relationship would be back home.

For Jenifer, dating a white guy (especially one as weird as me) is probably interesting, at times difficult. Anyone here who sees us holding hands walking down the street will immediately assume she is a “bruchera”, the term for a Peruvian looking for a ticket out of Peru or money, that I’m a tourist passing through and she is slutting it up for the couple days...not that we’ve been dating for over a year and respect each other. There are many times I’m unable to fully explain myself (frustrating for the both of us). I can’t tell her all the things she probably wants to hear because I don’t know the words. She gets attached to me and then I skip back to my previous life. She has to put up with the residuals of my culture, which also has its qualms. Those are just a few of the difficulties.

For me as well, it’s quite interesting. I doubt she understands the culture I was raised in, with its social intricacies. I’ve been living in Peru for almost 2 years now and I still don’t fully know this culture. She’s never traveled outside of her country or lived in a place that doesn’t speak your native language, having few others to converse with. She can’t possibly relate to this experience. I have to operate under this foreign culture to a large extent. Although she is like our progressive society in more aspects than most here, she was still raised in the mountains – a very, very conservative area, which would have an influence on anyone.

Of course, there are difficulties in every relationship of knowing each other, communicating, understanding one’s perspectives, and a slew of other stuff. Along with all the standard issues, we have a few different ones than I’ve known in the past. I guess part of the beauty of intimate relationships is that there really are not two that are the same. I don't mean to imply that it's a difficult relationship, because then I wouldn't be involved...just different factors.

To answer everyone’s question though – No, I will not be bringing her back to the States. Have we grown close? Yes. Will I miss her? A lot. Do I hope to keep in touch with her? Of course. She has been an integral part of my life here, but we’ve been honest with each other about the status of what we’re doing. When I leave and we end our relationship, it’ll probably hurt (though I have the joy and novelty of returning home while she goes on living in hers)…but it won’t be a surprise.

Thanks for reading,
Much love,
Jake

El Monte

Carnavales is best known in Brazil – primarily in Rio de Janeiro…but, it’s celebrated in Peru as well. Basically, for the entire month of the ‘carnaval’ period, you have to water proof anything you’re walking with. Kids hang out on the side of the road and throw buckets of water at passing cars – so you have to keep your windows up as well…or at least be on the lookout and hope you have time to close your window when you spot the little miscreants. Kids hang out on the top of roofs and throw buckets of water or water balloons at unsuspecting victims. If you’re white and walking through the town, you’re an even bigger target. Most of the time during Carnaval, if you’re wearing nice clothing or appear to have something of value, you’ll be spared. With a shaved head and a good scowl I learned from my Dad, I can usually make any kid scared of me and think twice about throwing water at me during the month. Plus, we’re in the rainy season now, so every afternoon it’s guaranteed to rain – which diminishes the water fights.

(Pic from last year's carnaval) This goes on for a month and then it’s capped by a huge parade day with lots of people dressed up, floats, etc. They carry a blood-soaked statue of Jesus surrounded by soldiers to churches. Something interesting, for a very homophobic society, a bunch of guys dress up in women’s clothing with masks on their faces for the parade, blowing kisses as they pass by. Then, there is one day where you don’t go outside unless you want to get wet. Seriously, the entire town shuts down and it’s one huge water fight for those who want to venture out…mainly the youth (I participated last year, not this year).

The youth of my town came to me about a month ago and wanted to work on raising money for the parade. I said I would help and we came up with income-generating activities. One time, we made tamales and sold them – made about 80 soles ($28). Instead of doing more activities or putting that towards the parade, they decided to skip the parade and have a party in our town, called “El Monte”.

Another custom within this period is “El Monte” – which is putting a tree in the plaza or the middle of a street, put presents up in the tree (presents = buckets, pots, brooms, useful household items mainly), then dance around the tree all night while people take turns swinging an ax. Then once the tree falls, grab what you can and it’s yours. (Me dancing huayno...I just stomp around without embarrassment and everyone thinks I know how to dance...funny)

In my town, we made a hole in the street, specifically for this (the stump of the tree is still there a week later). The party began around 6pm and the tree fell around 11pm. Most of the time, everyone is holding hands and spinning around the tree, while two to four people take turns dancing in the middle. When the song is over, those who were dancing in the middle hit the tree with the ax, and then pass the ax. Repeat. Oh, and the music is huayno – a most horrible sounding clanging of instruments and squealing of voices. I’m going to bring back some of it and force some of you to listen to it…just so you can sympathize that I had to listen to this crap for 2 years…of course, I imagine once I’m no longer forced to be surrounded by it, it’ll have a special place in my heart.

(Jenifer, my girlfriend here, taking her turn swinging the ax)Until around 10pm, you don’t really try to cut the tree down, then once it’s past 10 you can really swing. The method of dancing is a type of stomp mainly…kinda difficult to explain, so I’ll just have to show you someday. Once people get drunk enough, then we have a white-dust fight, where everyone is trying to put it on your face. Everyone gets drunk, everyone dances, and everyone is merry.

I hope everyone is doing well.
Much love,
Jake
-Following pictures:
Here with one of my artisans and his son-in-law...after all the white-powder flinging. I'm pretty much the only bald dude around, so everyone wanted to put it on my head...
-A group of the youth in my town...coming back and being slightly above the average height will be weird...
- It was also someone's birthday, so that's me eating part of a guinea pig...they're pretty good. Of course, that's also about 7 potatoes on my plate. Eating that many potatoes is daunting.
-Jenifer and I. This was the first big event she came to(she lives in the bigger city near me), so everyone got to meet the gringo's chica. Perhaps now most will stop asking me to marry their daughters.
-This doesn't have anything to do with the above story...simply the sunset view from where I live.

computer crashed...

Well - I apologize for not posting something over the past few weeks. Unfortunately, my computer crashed. I got some viruses on my laptop back in October-November due to a lack of updating my virus protection and the virus culture over here. I was able to clean it all off, but over the past few months, my laptop has had a lot of problems due to deleting those files infected with viruses. Finally, Windows would not boot at all and I had to wipe everything.

I had a lot of my stuff backed up...though I lost about 4 months of photos. Unfortunately, my camera also had a bunch of viruses so right now I can´t put new pictures on my computer because I have to reformat it also.

Basically, everything here takes a lot longer to fix. I´ve been able to reinstall Windows (a Spanish version) and now I´m in the process of putting everything back in place.

So - the lack of me putting anything on here is not an account of anything other than those problems. I´ll be resuming normal blogging habits soon, once I figure out my camera situation.

I hope everyone is doing well. Thanks for reading and for all the emails or notes I get mentioning that you read/enjoy the blog. It helps me feel connected to everyone, and not so lonely out here.

Much love,
Jake